发现一个极其有趣的帖子.班主要是觉得有点亵渎某些人就删了吧.



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送交者: PoohHunny2 于 2006-1-07, 12:45:48:

抱歉, 实在是太逗了, 差点儿笑岔气儿, 忍不住在此share.
http://www.cretinworld.com/father_phallus.html

Our Father and
His Infinite Phallus
Contributed by: Fredrick Curry

God made man in His image --- At least that's what the more fundamentalist variety of Christian is quick to say. Not long ago, I would have vehemently disagreed, joyfully pouncing on the ridiculously sexist comment. Recently, however, I have found that more fun may be had by agreeing with these people and then following their arguments through to their logical conclusions.

To see what I mean, let's take that objectionable statement and line-up its premises in a row.

First we have the would-be point of contention: God is male. This alone wouldn't get us very far, but few Christians who insist on God's maleness would then go on to deny the two other premises we need; these being that: God is perfect, and God is unique. Once these three things are granted, everything that follows falls out as part of a simple deduction:

The Argument:

Firstly, drawing upon common knowledge of our first premise, we know that to be male one must have a penis. Therefore God, being male, must have a penis of appropriately Holy proportions.

Because efficiency and precision are virtues, we know from our second premise that a perfect being would suffer no waste. God then would have no wasteful organs. Putting the two ideas together, it can therefore be said that, if God has a penis, He must use his penis for something.

But use it for what? The penis only serves two functions, and, since a perfect being would no more produce waste than have wasted organs, the possible uses of God's penis are reduced to those of sexual gratification.

An astute reader might now notice that this argument has taken a rather puzzling turn. Worse than puzzling, actually, ---- for if, as according to our third premise, God is unique, there are no others like Him; and if there are no others like Him, sexual reproduction is right out of the question.

A conundrum indeed, but this needn't lead us to abandon the notion of God's manhood as if our most loving and benevolent deity were the victim of some kind of botched circumcision. Though it first appears that the argument ends here with this contradiction, we are in fact not stranded with an unresolveable paradox. With a little thought and a touch of cerebral resourcefulness, another use for God's penis stands up to be seen.

There is another option. God's manhood can be saved!

That's right. God masturbates!

The Problem Solved: The solution is a straight forward deduction, and can be gripped with a conviction equal to that of the premises that drive it. Put into standard form, the argument looks like this:

God is male.
All males have a penis.
. ------------------------
. . Therefore God has a penis.

God is perfect.
[A perfect being has no useless attributes.]
God has a penis.
. ------------------------
. . Therefore God must use His penis.

God is a unique being.
[A unique being has no others like himself.]
God uses His penis.
[But not for waste or reproduction.]
. -------------------------
. . Therefore God must masturbate.

After seeing its ramifications, the notion of God's maleness is a far reaching one for Christianity; and it is, in fact, an even more dramatic discovery than it at first appears. This is because Christians don't assert that God is only sometimes perfect or only sometimes unique. They hold that these divine properties are as eternal as God Himself. This allows us to justify the additional deduction:

God must masturbate if He is perfect and male.
God is always perfect & male.
. -----------------------------------------------
. . God is always masturbating.

So there it is. Not only is this the outline for some pretty impressive apologetics, but the solution resolves an older, more serious, theological problem as well: How is it that an all-powerful, benevolent, being can suffer the presence of so much evil in the world?

Now we know. With all of God's cosmic self-pleasuring, He can hardly be expected to participate in the mundane, earthly, affairs of everyday life. God or no God, it looks as if we human beings are on our own.





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