December 31 2010
Montgomery, AL – Motor vehicles have undoubtedly been one of the most influential and important advances in human history. By allowing people to move at massively increased speeds across much wider distances, cars have allowed human culture itself
to expand. The decline of the farming culture, the rise of suburbia, and the ability to transport goods from New Zealand to Iceland and everywhere in between has fundamentally changed the way human beings interact with one another, and all because of horseless carriages.
Though the car itself was not necessarily invented in the traditional way with a kind of eureka moment, by the time the 20th century came around the design was pretty much down pat. Through that century automobiles changed humanity forever, utilized as methods of distribution, weapons of war, and even as casual entertainment the automobile’s influence in the most influential century in human history was enormous. Of course, mechanized carriages moving at speeds far in excess of what human beings are naturally predisposed can be extremely dangerous, prompting designers to focus on the safety of their machines which in recent years has saved the lives of thousands. Now the state of Alabama, in an ever raging war to try and ensure the safety of drivers, has proposed a law that would force drivers across the state to don helmets while driving in their cars.
“This new proposal is something that we have undertaken after extensive study and
research into driver safety. While it is clear that strategies such as higher safety standards and increased law enforcement have dramatically reduced the number of deaths and serious injuries, we feel that more can be done to protect drivers,” said Lieutenant Governor Jim Folsom, Jr. “In our assessment of driver safety we realized that motorcycle drivers were possessed of a safety tool that no other drivers seemed to have. Helmets have most certainly saved the lives of many motorcycle drivers and we believe that they can do the same thing with car and truck drivers, and that is the impetus behind this proposal.”
Though not yet law, government officials have already begun wearing helmets themselves. Folsom stated that he wears a helmet everywhere but in the shower and during sleep.
“Cars are perhaps the safest form of travel in the world. We are in them every day for hours going at really incredible speeds and yet very few accidents occur and those that do, the majority of the time, result in incidental injuries. That said, more can always be done and a helmet can do nothing but help,” said Scrape TV Driving analyst Kenneth King. “Personally I’ve been driving with a helmet for years. It does garner me a few funny looks every now and then but I would rather be safe than look good. Sometimes being smart is more important than being cool and I think that’s what the legislators in Alabama are thinking about.”
Most drivers are expected to look like idiots if the law passes.
“Getting people to wear helmets will be a serious challenge. Motorcycle drivers have been used to wearing helmets for years and there is this logical rationale in that case, but most people assume that cars are safe and that is going to make this a serious uphill battle for lawmakers,” continued King. “There’s also going to be a challenge in fitting into the cars, especially for taller drivers but all those sacrifices and challenges would be well worth it if they ultimately save lives, or at least brain cells.”
Officials wouldn’t comment on the opening of a new sporting goods store by the cousin of Governor Robert R. Riley.